Looking Forward: Third Year Extension

Yesterday marked the deadline for third year extension applications to be turned in to Peace Corps. In true Tija fashion, I submitted my application two weeks ago. While most would regard my promptness to be a positive attribute, it is causing me anxiety. Why? Because it is requiring more patience than I would like to muster. I want to know about my future and my extension now. After all, I have already been waiting for two weeks, right?! Sigh. This brings me back to my initial application to Peace Corps... Oh the waiting!

It turns out that TEN people from my Bots 10 group have applied for an extension (and I am unsure of how many from Bots 11 are pursuing extension and would begin shortly thereafter). That is an unprecedented number of people to apply, especially from a group with so few volunteers. That's nearly half of all those who are still here from Bots 10. If all of us were guaranteed placement, this would be exciting beyond compare. These people are my family here and I would love to share the rest of this journey with them. Unfortunately, placement for third year assignments depends on available funding, volunteers' skill sets and experience, and fit with the limited number of potential host organizations. Even still, I will remain optimistic that we all get accepted for extensions within our chosen fields. I believe we each have what it takes to make great contributions here and enhance our own capabilities. That being said, we will have stiff competition this year it seems.

The competitive nature of this third year application cycle makes me all the more anxious to hear back from Peace Corps about the next steps. I know most of us are already questioning the process and are ready to hear more. I, personally, would like the opportunity to begin a dialogue with the staff and look forward towards the upcoming year. And I would like that year to be in Botswana and working with my proposed organizations. Is that too much to ask?

I have been told this process is fluid and comes from a number of meetings with staff and potential host organizations. I have also heard that it is like a mini version of our initial application to Peace Corps, requiring renewed medical clearance and interviews. I am hopeful that it falls somewhere in the middle. And that it happens quickly.

Fingers and toes crossed for expediency with this application and with my future placement. Deep breath, though, just in case it takes a while...

Because of Love

To me, Valentine’s Day is about sharing love. It is about sending love out into the universe and getting some back. It is about giving. I have been given so much and have been saved by love.

One day, when I was having a particularly hard time in high school, my dad got me a card. The cover read "If you can't make waves, make ripples" and on the inside it said "Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself all the room and space you need. And remember, wherever you are is probably exactly where you need to be right now." Below that, my dad told me that he believed in me and loved me and knew I would accomplish everything I wanted in time. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I have kept that card with me for more than a decade. I have read those words and recited those words over and over again throughout the years.

When my dad died five years ago, my whole world was rocked. Essentially, my universe fell off its axis and I didn't know what to do. Whether it makes sense or not, I felt like my dreams did not have meaning anymore. It was hard to find comfort in anything. I needed to do something to get my life back.

I went back to my roots and started training horses again, I started running and ran four half marathons, I got my masters degree, and then I moved home. I surrounded myself with positive people who loved me and believed in me. I reconnected with my mom and she became one of my very best friends. My neighbors and my friends became family. I became stronger than I could have imagined. I got my dreams back and now I have the courage to pursue them, knowing that I could get through anything and that I have the love and support I need to see it through.

My dad's card is even more pertinent today than when he gave it to me. I have slowly persevered and have gotten to where I need to be. I am finally pursuing this dream that I have had for the past six years. I have meditated on this and have been patient, waiting to feel this sense of calm. I am full of pride and joy and am overcome with a sense of rightness in my world again. I am not nervous or anxious and I don't doubt anything about this path I am taking. I am really at ease with this transition because I feel with my whole heart that this journey, joining the Peace Corps and going to Botswana, is exactly what I am supposed to be doing right now.

It's Official!!!

As of 7:50pm, I have officially accepted my invitation to serve as an NGO Capacity Builder for the HIV/AIDS Capacity Building Project in Botswana!!! Although I don't know exactly what my job will entail yet, the invitation kit says I will be working with NGOs in the area of orphans and vulnerable children. I couldn't be more thrilled to be going to Botswana or to be working in the field I will be working in. It truly is a dream come true. Today will go down as one of the most exciting days of my life!!!
 

An Apology Letter

Dear Family and Friends,

This is an apology letter. Why do I need to apologize to everyone in one fell swoop? Because you have all been subject to my obsessive nature lately... I am a girl possessed by leaving for Peace Corps! I am eating, sleeping, breathing, and thinking entirely about this upcoming adventure. And it seems that I have developed an uncanny ability to make everything refer back to the Peace Corps. Literally, as I type this, I am having a conversation about pumpkin cupcakes with a coworker and somehow found a way to bring it back to Peace Corps ("you know, they eat a lot of pumpkins in Botswana"). I feel badly because I am sure it is annoying or, if it isn't yet, it will become annoying. Please bear with me. I am sure that in 2.5 years my conversations will return to normal... I hope. Until then, know that I love you all and am so appreciative of your patience and support. Ke a leboga ("thank you" in Setswana)!

Love,
Tija the Possessed


P.S. This is how it will look on the other side of this adventure...

(Thanks to Elizabeth for reminding me of this PSA! Classic!)

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Now that I got the yelling, screaming, and dancing out of my system (for now), I am happy to say that....

MY INVITATION IS IN THE MAIL!!!

I will be leaving on April 1st for Africaaaaa! (Yes, we all know that this departure date means Botswana and I am THRILLED!) My invitation has changed from original nomination of Business Development to NGO Development but my Placement Specialist said that this position is a "perfect fit" for me! I could not be more excited right now! (Excuse me while I go back to doing a happy dance... more later!)

Holy Emotional Rollercoaster!

I spent half the day today in a slight panic after realizing that the eight week mark before my nomination date was fast upon me and I hadn't been contacted by my Placement Specialist yet... Welllllllll, that panic turned into some serious excitement because guess who has their placement assessment at 7:00 tomorrow morning!? Yes, that's right, ME! I was on my way out the door from work when I received the official email asking for my availability in the next few days for my final interview! After calling my mom and taking a minute to compose myself, I emailed back and got it scheduled for first thing in the morning! I am so excited I can hardly stand it! Please send positive thoughts my way and stay tuned for tomorrow's update! Hooray!

Hello Peace Corps, it's me, Tija!

Hello Peace Corps, it's me, Tija! I just thought I would send out a little reminder that I'm still here, waiting on the day that my cell phone rings with a 202 area code and my stomach fills up with butterflies as I run out of my office to take the call... I appreciate your letting the anticipation build and giving me time to be excited, truly I do, but I am ready for the call now. I mean, it has been a month since you said "within a month" for my placement interview. I even turned my ringer up obnoxiously loud so that I won't miss the call. Also, if you could call Kati that would be sweet because her call was supposed to come last week. Both calls would be extremely appreciated. I mean, we have an epic going away party to plan that we have been putting off in hopes of receiving this call (and a blue envelope in the mail) first. I promise we will send you an invitation in exchange for one...

I Choose To Smile

Yesterday was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Despite all of my hard work at my agency this past year (tripling our grant funding, developing a marketing strategy that increased enrollment in our fatherhood education program by 100%, and coordinating our free legal clinic for low-income families), I was told yesterday that my position was being cut back to part-time. Of course, I was really upset - I was frustrated, irritated, disappointed, and crushed. I cried a little bit and then I freaked out about money, bills, saving, etc. I ran the gamut of emotions. I have done a lot for this agency and have stayed the course through all the ups and downs these last four years and could hardly believe this was how I was being repaid. (Ha, funny, "paid"!) I left the office not knowing how all of this would work out or what I was going to do.

In the light of a new day (and being true to my new years resolution), I feel like this could almost be a blessing. I have accomplished a lot in my job, there is nowhere else for me to go in this position, and I am planning on leaving in a few months to start a new journey with the Peace Corps anyway. I can rearrange my student loan payments, I can cut back on some spending, but I can never get this time back. I absolutely refuse to spend any more of my time fretting and dwelling on this. I have been successful in my work and now I am getting a chance to finish some projects while also taking some extra time to enjoy life.

I plan to use this extra time to do the things I love - to go snowboarding, to ride horses, to volunteer, and to spend time with my family and friends. I am rejuvenated and ready to accept this new fate and make the most of it.

So I'm sitting at my desk with a big cup of coffee, listening to my music just "a little" too loud, planning my snowboarding adventure for tomorrow, and smiling because they have no idea how much they are going to miss me when I'm gone.  :)

New Year, New Perspective

To celebrate the start of 2011, I went to Seattle to spend the weekend with some of my best friends from college. We went to a ridiculously awesome hip hop show, ate at some of my favorite restaurants, and "hydrated, dehydrated, and caffeinated" together. It was a glorious weekend.

During one of our escapades, we laughed about our (mis)adventures and joked about New Years Resolutions. Up to that point, I hadn't thought about New Years Resolutions at all, having focused almost exclusively on fretting about placement and the months (way) ahead of me. Our conversation got me reflecting on 2010 and thinking about what I wanted in 2011.

The past year was full of significant ups and downs - I was forced to stand up for myself, I exceeded even my own expectations for receiving grant funding, I was laid up after a bad injury, I said goodbye to an old friend and made new meaningful friendships, I made it through the fifth year after losing my dad, and, finally, I applied for Peace Corps. In thinking forward to 2011, I knew I wanted to take these lessons and the strength I have gained throughout the year and really utilize them. What I have come to is this: I want to be brave, to wake up each day with a fresh perspective, and to embrace moments. These are the areas that I want to continue to develop because I believe whole-heartedly that encompassing them will enrich my life.

I realize that I have a hard time slowing down and this has made times in my life blur together and has probably changed the depth of my experiences. I want 2011 to be full of memories and I am eager to embrace them. What this means for me (and my pursuit of Peace Corps) is that I will strive to slow down and enjoy the process of things, to find happiness and rejoice in whatever comes my way, to be open to change, to see the world from a variety of new and different ways, to trust untiringly, and to be present.

Deep breath. "Patience is a virtue." Sigh.

I have been noticing what seems to be an increasing number of invitations being sent out to my fellow Peace Corps applicants. This is an exciting time and I am so so happy for each and every one of you. That being said, I am also a little bit sad for me (and for Kati) because we are still stuck in this waiting game. And I think that sadness feels a little stronger because I am genuinely thrilled for everyone when they get their invitation and then I realize I am no closer to getting mine. Then I get a frown face.

So I decided to email my Placement Specialist to find out the timeline for this phase and to find out if my program was still open, all under the guise that I have continued to take certificate courses and need to update my resume. Well, she emailed me back and I think I am more depressed for having emailed her. (Note to self, it is better to be patient and let the process happen as it may and stop being nosey because you might not like what you hear.) What I know now is that I need to fax copies of documentation related to additional experience to the Peace Corps office, that there are a lot of people with programs departing sooner than me and they take precedence, that I need to be flexible to worldwide placement, and that it will be AT LEAST ANOTHER MONTH before she will be ready to review my file. Sigh, tear, and frown face all rolled into one.

What does this mean to me you ask? It means that I will do my best to sit back, practice patience, and continue to be as excited as possible for everyone, knowing that sooner or later it will be my turn. *Deep breath*

"Your file is now complete and with your Placement Officer for determination for service"

I received an email this morning from my Placement Assistant letting me know that my file is complete and that it is now with my Placement Specialist for final review. I am beyond ecstatic! It is so comforting to know that everything is in and that I am in the last stage of this whole process. I know it's only been a few months since I applied but it has felt like an eternity...

Of course, the email reminded me (in a standard form way) that I may not receive an invitation for my program of nomination and to be open to working with the Placement Specialist in the case I am invited to serve in another location. This is cause for consideration and some deep thought. So that is exactly what I have been doing. This is what I have surmised:

I am open to whatever happens. I didn't have a place in mind when I applied and I said that I would be willing to serve wherever my help was needed most. Yes, I am pretty excited about the idea of serving in Botswana (thank you Peace Corps Wiki and the Mobleys for your inside information) but am also pretty confident that wherever I end up will be the right place for me. Also, I did some research on my Placement Specialist and she has done everything, literally, and is a highly educated and accomplished individual. I have confidence in her and believe she will place me somewhere I am well suited. That being said, I obviously prefer my Sub-Saharan Africa nomination because I have mentally committed myself to going (and my family has started their "Africa funds" and would probably opt to visit Africa instead of me if my location changed).

In the end, it will be a worthwhile and amazing adventure wherever I end up. I am just excited to be rounding out this process and finding out where I will be serving.

"The big question is whether you are going to be able to say a hearty yes to your adventure."

We have contact!

It seems as though the Peace Corps Placement Office has, in fact, been reading my blog. I say this because the day after I posted about my RAS and pleaded with Placement to contact me and calm my restless heart, I received an email from the Business Placement and Assessment Assistant! Hallelujah! She requested my updated resume, documentation of my TEFL certification, and additional information on my fellowship experience in Israel. As of 9:00 this morning, everything has been sent in! And, courtesy of my wonderful recruiter, I have direct contact information for my Placement Specialist so she is not a mystery anymore! Could it be that this waiting-for-an-invite may finally come to an end? Until then, I am a happy girl to be at this point!

Human Rights Day: A Challenge For The Future

The promotion and protection of human rights became a primary concern for the United Nations following the atrocities of WWII. The global community weeped at the loss of so many lives and resolved that they would never let hatred and death reign again. Three years later, in the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, it was written that respect for human rights and human dignity "is the foundation of freedom, justice, and peace in the world."

On this day, December 10th, we observe Human Rights Day in commemoration and respect for the Assembly's adoption of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights and for their dedication to protect the rights of people the world over. Over the years, nations, agencies, and individuals have joined forces to ensure the primacy of human rights and to confront human rights violations wherever they occur.

Sadly, people continue to suffer from gross misconduct. People in our own backyards are being bullied for their sexuality, communities across the ocean are needlessly being slaughtered, and women and children are victims of sex trafficking at home and abroad.

I believe in the power of a unified group to make a difference and to bring great change. Therefore, it is not enough to declare any one day to be Human Rights Day. We need to take a stand every day to protect the rights and freedoms of our friends, neighbors, and more. I challenge everyone who reads this blog to speak up against discrimination, to not sit idly by when you see someone suffering, and to educate yourself and others about what human rights are and how you can help protect them. For me, today is a day to regroup and prepare myself for the fight to protect human rights in the year ahead. Let Human Rights Day be a celebration of how far we have come but, more so, a reminder of all the work still left to do.

RAS - Restless Applicant Syndrome

I am 126 days into the Peace Corps application process. I have passed all of my clearances and am waiting to hear from the placement office. As I have finished each stage in the application process, the fact that I am fulfilling this dream of joining the Peace Corps has become more of a reality. I am excited and I can't wait to have my invitation in hand. This excitement, however, has made way for a plague that most Peace Corps applicants know very well - Restless Applicant Syndrome.

Restless Applicant Syndrome (RAS) is very real and extremely debilitating. RAS occurs in Peace Corps applicants who are engaging in the long and arduous waiting game associated with the application process. Symptoms include: anxiety, emotional outbursts, nervous twitching, irrational thoughts, self-doubt, and lack of focus. Work becomes increasingly difficult as the applicant tries to calculate ways to contact Peace Corps to find out about their application status. Obsessive reading of Peace Corps Journals is commonplace. Compulsive taking of certification courses has been known to occur in some applicants. Obscurity in the application process only exacerbates RAS. And, although the Peace Corps office tells applicants to be patient as this waiting game teaches skills needed for service, this will not comfort an applicant with RAS. The only known cure for RAS is an invitation.

If you or someone you know suffers from RAS, rest assured that you are not alone. I am with you.

P.s. Peace Corps Placement Office, if you are reading this, please help alleviate my RAS by getting in touch with me. Even a standard form letter would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.

Favorite 2AM Wake-Up Call

At 2:04AM, I received a notification from Peace Corps. "A decision has been reached regarding your medical review." Since my nurse reviewer had told me that I would be cleared as soon as she received my last two labs, and since I talked to my doctor yesterday and she confirmed "non-reactive" results to these labs sent to PC the day before, I can only believe this means I have been MEDICALLY CLEARED! Hooooooray! I am a really happy girl right now! Next up, placement!

Getting closer! One more needle prick and I should be good to go!

I received a rather snide email this morning from my nurse reviewer saying that the labs my doctor faxed over were not right and, basically, that if I want to be medically cleared then I need to send over the correct labs. (Okay, I do, so I will get right on it!) Obviously I wanted to call my doctor's office at 6:18am when I got the email but, alas, they don't open until 8 so I had to wait... So I got ready for work extra quickly, took my dog for a walk, and then sat staring at the clock waiting for it to strike 8 so I could make an appointment to get in for the blood draw to run the labs. (This is evidence of my personal growth through the Peace Corps process - I am actually seeking out doctors and needles and blood draws!) I left a voicemail for my doctor's assistant, explaining everything and asking her to get back to me. Then I waited. At 10:53 I called again because I hadn't received a call back. This time I actually got to talk to my doctor's assistant, who I adore. She said she was going to chase down my doctor and get her to send the tests to the lab right away and that she would call me back to confirm as soon as it was taken care of. It's now 11:56 and I'm waiting again to hear from her. Sigh. Honestly, if Peace Corps teaches me anything during this whole application process it's patience. I will most likely get in to the lab this afternoon for the blood draw and hopefully they can put a rush on the two labs. I really want to get everything faxed over to Peace Corps by Friday so that my nurse reviewer has a chance to look it all over and medically clear me by Thanksgiving - it sure would be a nice little side dish to turkey and gravy! Fingers crossed!

Almost medically cleared. Almost.

I am almost through medical... ALMOST.

After eight weeks of waiting, I received an email from my nurse reviewer yesterday. She said that my file was missing documentation of two labs and that once she gets them that I will be medically cleared. I immediately called my doctor's office and asked them to fax the labs over. Well, there may be a glitch - they may not have ran one of the tests. I'm not sure yet but I'm almost certain that I will need to go back in and get another blood draw (and possibly a series of shots). Here's the situation: I wasn't immunized for Hepatitis B (routine Hep B vaccinations didn't start until 1991, I was born in 1983, and my pediatrician never said to get it). The first of the labs for Hep B reflected that I hadn't been immunized. According to my doctor's assistant, the subsequent lab would show the same thing so they put a notice of that in with my labs and that was what I sent to Peace Corps (even though I said over and over again that I need all of the tests done regardless because "Peace Corps said so"... sigh.) Anyway, my doctor's office faxed the labs they had to my nurse reviewer. I emailed her to confirm she received everything and to see if there were any problems (hoping she would say no and I would be cleared). As seems to be the case with all Peace Corps ventures, I'm still waiting to hear back from her...

This morning I received a MyToolkit update saying there is now a hold on my medical. I'm not sure if that means my file is still in review or if that means I need to go get the additional labs done. I'm assuming it's the latter. I put a call in to my doctor to let her know that I will probably need to come in again. And, as I do more research on the Hep B immunization, I'm also assuming that I will need to get that series done as a precaution considering I will most likely be living in an area with high prevalance of Hep B...

So that is the story for now. I am almost through medical.

"Let us rise up and be thankful"

Tonight's yoga class gave me an overwhelming sense of powerfulness and gratefulness and I wanted to share in the hopes that the feeling will spread to others.

For almost a year I have felt like I couldn't breathe a whole breath in. This is something I struggled with after my dad died but I had healed most of those wounds. This felt different. Honestly, I have generally been pretty happy and have very little to complain about but I obviously had a lot to let go of still. Well, somewhere in the midst of Surya Namaksara B I took a deep breath and realized I was able to fill my whole lungs. I felt empowered. By the hundredth chataranga, when I normally would be getting tired, I found myself pushing for more and feeling stronger. I couldn't help but smile because it felt like mile 12 of a half marathon when the end is finally in sight and you take a deep breath and just go for it. It felt amazing. So grateful.

I found myself feeling grateful for others too. I heard my fellow yogis breathing and I felt grateful that they had oxygen to fill their lungs. I heard a tummy rumble and I was grateful their bodies worked and they had food to eat. And by the time we took rest it had become less about me and I was grateful for all the things that filled the room - the people, the warmth, the energy. It felt like a hug from a long lost friend.

It takes more than motivation and passion to accomplish great things. The strength to do it has to come from within. I needed to find this "friend" again, this more powerful and grateful version of myself, in order to truly make a difference. Tonight was a step at getting that inner strength back. I can breathe again. I am so grateful.

A Friendly Reminder from Good Ol' Dr. Seuss

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

You’ll look up and down streets. Look’em over with care. About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.” With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down a not-so-good street.

And you may not find any you’ll want to go down. In that case, of course, you’ll head straight out of town. It’s opener there in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too.

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!

You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed. You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don’t.
Because, sometimes, you won’t.

I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.

You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a Lurch.

You’ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a Slump.

And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And if you go in, should you turn left or right…or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.

No! That’s not for you!

Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don’t. Because, sometimes, they won’t.

I’m afraid that some times you’ll play lonely games too. Games you can’t win ‘cause you’ll play against you.

All Alone! Whether you like it or not. Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot.

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)

Kid, you’ll move mountains!
So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way!

(Trust me, I'm trying to get on my way! Do you hear that Peace Corps? Dr. Seuss says that today is my day! It really is time to push me through to placement!)

Everything and Nothing

I've often said that I want to do everything and nothing at the same time. It's a strange feeling to want that and I've wondered about the complexity and the paradox of that statement. I think I've finally figured it out...

I want to do everything, but not because I necessarily want to do it forever. I want to be able to live my life knowing that I did it. Like Peace Corps and law school. They are both things that I have said I want to do for a long time. And I unequivocally do want to do them. Sadly, I haven't because I have been hung up on the "why" for doing things. Why should I do this? What is it that I want to do and why will this help me get there? I'm not sure if I want to be a lawyer some day or if I want to spend my whole life working for the UN. I do know, however, that the idea of doing those things intrigues me and inspires me and is exciting. I also want to go to Bali and practice yoga and I want to sit and watch the sun set and then rise over the Grand Canyon without moving a muscle. I want to be a dog walker and play fetch and wander through the park with no other purpose than being outside. All of these things are entirely different and none of them are leading me to any great end or specific goal other than doing things that make me happy.

Life is short and we consciously only live once. I want to do these things because I want to do them. Isn't life really all about the things that you do and people that you meet anyway? I can't imagine life being about more than that. If you go through life having experiences that make you happy and doing things because you want to, then I can only assume that you will be leaving the world a better place because you will feel joy and accomplishment and will want to share those things with others.

So I've decided that I don't need a purpose or a reason for wanting to go to law school or wanting to sit and watch the leaves change color. I should do those things because I want to. I have been letting the fact that I don't know what I want the end to look like to hold me back from doing the things I want to do. I need to let go of the "why" and try to hold onto the "why not".

I think I am so proud of myself for finally applying to the Peace Corps because it means I am starting to live the "why not."