I've often said that I want to do everything and nothing at the same time. It's a strange feeling to want that and I've wondered about the complexity and the paradox of that statement. I think I've finally figured it out...
I want to do everything, but not because I necessarily want to do it forever. I want to be able to live my life knowing that I did it. Like Peace Corps and law school. They are both things that I have said I want to do for a long time. And I unequivocally do want to do them. Sadly, I haven't because I have been hung up on the "why" for doing things. Why should I do this? What is it that I want to do and why will this help me get there? I'm not sure if I want to be a lawyer some day or if I want to spend my whole life working for the UN. I do know, however, that the idea of doing those things intrigues me and inspires me and is exciting. I also want to go to Bali and practice yoga and I want to sit and watch the sun set and then rise over the Grand Canyon without moving a muscle. I want to be a dog walker and play fetch and wander through the park with no other purpose than being outside. All of these things are entirely different and none of them are leading me to any great end or specific goal other than doing things that make me happy.
Life is short and we consciously only live once. I want to do these things because I want to do them. Isn't life really all about the things that you do and people that you meet anyway? I can't imagine life being about more than that. If you go through life having experiences that make you happy and doing things because you want to, then I can only assume that you will be leaving the world a better place because you will feel joy and accomplishment and will want to share those things with others.
So I've decided that I don't need a purpose or a reason for wanting to go to law school or wanting to sit and watch the leaves change color. I should do those things because I want to. I have been letting the fact that I don't know what I want the end to look like to hold me back from doing the things I want to do. I need to let go of the "why" and try to hold onto the "why not".
I think I am so proud of myself for finally applying to the Peace Corps because it means I am starting to live the "why not."