And, In The End, There Were Emotions

I have exactly twenty-two days left in my comfortable little village and only thirteen days left working at my NGO and with the ladies that have become my family in Gabane.

This is an emotional time. 

It just doesn't seem possible that my two years here are up and I am having a hard time wrapping my brain around leaving here. Even though my ticket to America is booked for my home leave and I can see the upcoming date on a calendar, it still doesn't feel real. It is as if my brain has employed a defense mechanism to keep me from feeling the anxiety and heartache of leaving something I love so much. Even if it is just to start something new nearby. I have to consciously remind myself to cherish each moment with the ladies of my NGO, to take the time to do the "secret handshake" with each kid in the pre-school, and to greet each person I meet on the dusty paths around Gabane. In a matter of days it will all be a memory. When I think about how fast two years went, it is overwhelming (even heartbreaking) to think how fast these last few days will likely go.

This is also a time when I am pushing to get projects and things finished but also trying to disconnect from the work in a more meaningful way. This is something I have blogged about a lot - the idea of true sustainable development. Of course, I have things I want to get done and see through here before I go. For example, the house building project is complete but the sanitation component - the pit latrine - is not quite finished yet. Same goes for some aspects of my organizational development project at the NGO. But, at the same time, I need to back away and make sure the ladies can do everything on their own. I need to observe them and support them in their own personal development if the things we have worked so hard on are to be sustainable. And, so far, they are.

I have watched the ladies take ownership of projects and work diligently to get the financial systems in place or to improve the teaching curriculum and our reports. The Board of Governors has finally been elected and they are taking an active role in helping scale up our operation. The members are coming to the office and conducting their own mini trainings and helping the ladies network with local people who can assist them. Local people helping local people to help the local community. This is a huge accomplishment. I have always said that, as a capacity builder and development worker, if I am able to make my job obsolete and unnecessary because the staff and community are able to do it on their own, then I have done my job well. Being able to witness this happening first-hand is bringing me peace and soothing some of the sorrow of leaving as I hesitantly look forward to the end of this chapter.

Saying goodbye is probably one of the hardest things anyone can do. This is a time filled with that - goodbyes to my fellow Bots 10s as they embark on their next adventures (on their own), goodbyes to my village and my work, and goodbyes to a life where I could be anything I wanted on any given day of the week (a farmer, a social worker, a teacher, a consultant, an accountant, a youth leader, an artist, and so on). Goodbyes are made harder when you deeply love all the things you are bidding adieu. And that is where we stand now.

For me, this goodbye is also met with some exciting hellos - to a new life, to a new job, to new challenges, to new faces. There is glory and elation and vitality in moving forward from something achieved and towards the great unknown. It is, after all, how I got to this place in my life that has become so special to me.

I am going to try and take the next twenty-two days to "hug" this world I am in now and shower it with all my love. I want to feel the emotions of it all and embrace them. I want to leave all of who I am right now in the sand of my village and with the people who have helped me grow here so that I can start this next chapter in Botswana anew.

Last Site Visit in Gabane

On Monday I had my last official site visit with Peace Corps staff at my NGO in Gabane. My Program Manager and Training Assistant came out to the village to meet with me and the staff to discuss my work and my contributions to the NGO. Traditionally, this meeting is conducted in three parts: one where I meet with PC staff by myself to discuss issues I have had, another where the NGO staff meet with PC staff alone, and finally all of us as one. We opted, however, to do the entire meeting together because we feel that our relationship allows for openness, honesty, and transparency and didn't need the "secret meetings". I am grateful that we decided this way because it allowed me to hear the sentiments of the women I have been working with for so long.

Although the ladies and I are not shy about sharing our feelings and often compliment each other on jobs well done, they said some of the nicest things to the Peace Corps staff about me - things that I hadn't even realized I had helped them with. For example, our Center Coordinator told Peace Corps that, before I came, they had never worked off of a plan and just did things day-to-day. She said that, when discussing the work that we have to do, I am always saying "lets make a plan" so now they know how important it is to do that and they feel they are able to accomplish more because of it. (I didn't even realize I say "lets make a plan" so much, let alone that it had a positive impact on them!) She also said that I am the best teacher they have ever had. This is a huge compliment as she's a teacher herself with over thirty years experience in the field! She went on to justify this statement by saying that I explain things in a way that highlights their strengths so they feel confident and like they can succeed, that they can always feel my love for them, and that they feel encouraged to try harder and accomplish more on their own than they ever thought possible before because of this.

Hearing their kind words made me feel so great about my service in a way that I cannot yet articulate clearly. All I can say is this: when asked by Peace Corps staff at the onset of the meeting, before the ladies were even asked anything yet, what I felt has been my greatest accomplishment of my service, I told them that "...There are many tangible projects and things I can point to that define my service but what I feel most proud of is the confidence and skills developed by the ladies I work with. Their passion and dedication to the organization was always evident but they are also strong and capable and are finally seeing it for themselves and putting their knowledge to use to help so many people. If I helped them get to this point in some way then I feel that is my biggest accomplishment. They are more than colleagues - they are my family and friends here - and watching them succeed has been more meaningful than I could have ever hoped for."

The things they said that followed my statement bring more profundity, depth, and value to my service. For the first time in my professional career, I genuinely feel like I have made a difference. And that difference goes deeper than in the workplace because it is about the people. It is a change that is profound in me, in the lives of those I have worked with, and in this whole experience. I will carry this with me forever.

Extension Granted!

Despite incessant (and inconvenient) water and power outages, hairy spiders, ant hordes, insane temperatures, and thorns in my shoes, I love it here. Yes, I said it, I love Botswana. I have fallen in love with the simple life in the village and with international development work. Although I had a hunch before coming here that this might be the case, there really was no way for me to predict how deep my love would be. And, honestly, my trials at the beginning definitely pointed more towards "enmity" than "love". But this love has grown from frustration and disappointment and perseverance and is likely stronger because of it. It is like your favorite romantic comedy movie - girl wants to find love, girl sets out to find it, girl is angry with and/or hates what is set in front of her (usually a guy, in this case the work), girl fights it, girl feels like all hope is lost, girl has a realization or transformation, girl flirts with the thing she once resented, and finally girl realizes it's the only thing for her. I didn't think this sort of romance happened in real life. But, like many people before me, I have been surprised by the way things turn out. This could very well be the tale of my pursuit and my love of international development work.

But I made it! I saw the light at the end of the tunnel, my heart flickered, and I got a warm fuzzy feeling with every person who learned something from me and with every organization that ran a little smoother. And that is why, with a joyous heart and an excited mind, I announce that my application for extension was granted! I have been given the opportunity to continue pursuing this love and see where the next phase in the journey takes me!

For my extension year ("third year"), I am assuming two roles:

In my first role, I will be working with Project Concern International (PCI). PCI is an international non-governmental organization that currently operates in 16 countries to promote sustainable change and community development. I will be working directly with two projects funded by USAID - one for orphans and vulnerable children and the other for integrated childhood and youth development. In this capacity, I will get the opportunity to oversee and manage high level projects that I am passionate about, work alongside leaders in their field, and also continue doing some field work with PCI's 10 implementing partners across Botswana. 

In my second role, I will be acting as a Peace Corps Volunteer Leader (PCVL). The role of a PCVL is multifaceted and includes: working with Peace Corps staff to assess organizations and villages for successful site development; mitigating issues between staff, volunteers, and host country nationals; assisting with regional support issues; designing and conducting trainings for incoming volunteers; liaising for Peace Corps Botswana, connecting staff with volunteers; and informing current PCVs about available resources to better assist their host country agencies. I am passionate about Peace Corps' mission and believe that every volunteer deserves the best chance to make the most of their service. I am thrilled to have the chance to put my magnanimous experience to work in helping serving volunteers.

I am overwhelmed and excited about the potential for personal growth and the opportunity to continue doing good work at an even greater magnitude in these new roles. To me, it is my perfect placement. I have incredible hopes for this country, its people, and the work Peace Corps is doing. I know these hopes are achievable because, time and again, my dreams in this country have come true. I am honored to have the opportunity to stay here one more year to see that continue to happen.

Whoa! We Made It! Bots 10 COS Conference

How do you sum up two years of your life? Even in the best of circumstances, it would be extremely difficult. Throw in the confines of risk, adventure, unknowns, cultures, creepy crawlies, and a life in a far far away place that you ventured to all on your own and a person can be at a loss for words. And, if not lost for words, then definitely overwhelmed by them. Either way, the result is the same. That is where I sit now, at the conclusion of my Close of Service (COS) Conference and in my final months at site. Contemplating everything.

Our COS Conference was a time when my cohort, my Bots 10 family, was able to reconnect. This was invaluable, as I hadn't seen some members since our mid-service training a year ago. I realize it may be hard to understand how these people have remained so integral to my service and how amazing it was to reunite, but they are among the few who actually understand what Peace Corps service in Botswana is like. We can recount our own experiences and have them feel like a joint memory because we "get it" in a way that no one else could. Being afforded the time together to catch up, to share our stories, and to decompress, was probably the most cherished part of our COS Conference. This could very well be our last time in the same room together and will definitely be our last in country together. As you can likely imagine, this reality caused a few tears from more than a few people (myself included).

Tears were also met with laughter as we had dinner on the salt pans in the Nata Bird Sanctuary, recounting humorous tales showcasing each of us and paid homage to those from our group who left us early. Bots 10 has not forgotten anyone - we are all a part of this story, even the one who never made it on the plane in New York. "The Survivors" sitting around the table with the expanse of the pans and the fading sun, regaling everyone with great love and admiration, was one of my favorite moments and one that will stick with me long after this adventure.

While the emotions of our COS Conference are among the highlights, they are not the sole purpose of the week. More seriously, the conference serves as an opportunity to prepare for the goodbyes in our villages and the transition back home. It is a time to construct our "elevator speech", knowing that most people will not want the full account of our two year hiatus, and learning how to quantify our work and cope with the many changes in ourselves and in the world we left behind.

Many of us have some concerns about returning to America, whether it be about reverse culture shock, consumerism, personal growth and change, making sense of our experience and bringing it back with us, rectifying relationships with friends from home, and so on. My fears encompass many of these things. For example, I am nervous that people will expect me and expect things to continue on just as they had before I left but these things won't feel normal to me anymore. There will be a necessary adjustment in the way things once were. I have changed and I am happy with who I am. But I wonder how this will impact my relationships and my life when I return. My experiences in Botswana have been profound and have impacted me in ways that I am sure I can't even imagine yet. How will I react to all of this? Will I be compassionate and patient with those who don't see the world as I do now? Will they show me that same respect when I find things hard to deal with? And who will let me ramble on and on about my service, even after the "acceptable" statute of limitations has passed? These were some of the things we discussed at length throughout the conference. In the end, my group agreed that it will be vital to maintain our friendships with fellows Bots 10s. They will be our lifeline and our connection to this world. We are also grateful for those friends and family who have stuck by us in one way or another because we genuinely believe we will need to lean on them during this period of transition and re-entry.

And, finally, how do you say goodbye? How do you say goodbye to people who have been your main source of support and friendship in an unfamiliar land? How do you thank strangers that took you in as family? How do you leave a village whose paths welcomed you home every day? Most of us won't return to Botswana again. These goodbyes will tear at the heartstrings of even the most jaded of us. And this is our next big challenge and what we will focus on in our final months at site. Just 80 days until departure...

Bots 10 Ramblings: Approaching The End

Over the weekend, I had a number of friends from Bots 10 over to my house. These friends came from all corners of the country to start souvenir shopping at my village's artist colony, attend a "cultural event", and catch up with one another. It was a lot of fun and reminded me of how lucky I am to be a part of my "elusive" group. We are "concentrated awesome", as one group member put it.

Of course, the conversation eventually came around to our upcoming COS Conference and a reflection on our services. We discussed Peace Corps and this whole crazy experience - the ups and downs, the things that motivated us and challenged us these two years, what we have gotten out of it, and the internal versus external measures of it all. After some time, one of us stopped and said "Can we please just acknowledge that this was really hard?" That statement paused the conversation for a minute because it was like a weight getting lifted off of us in a way - a relief - like fiiiiiiiinally, someone said it!. No matter how many accomplishments we have or how productive our service, this whole thing is really hard! And I have been thinking about that statement ever since.

As Peace Corps Volunteers, we spend so much time integrating and accepting things as they are and trying, trying, trying to become part of the community and to "forget" about life back home because it's just not our lives anymore. Things here that would have been extremely challenging in "our past lives" are so commonplace now that we hardly even notice anymore. For instance, we were having this conversation by candlelight because the electricity was out (again) and we never thought twice about it. We just got up, lit some candles, and continued on. But we forget how hard some of the things we have been through truly are because it is our lives now and we have accepted it. Things like being without water and/or electricity for weeks on end, riding a bus for ten hours with people sitting on your lap in 100 degree weather just to see a friend, being delayed because of cows crossing the only tarred road, having to go to multiple offices in multiple villages using public transportation to get all the required signatures just to get a P100/$13 reimbursement, always being on display like a movie star, and so on. These things hardly even phase us anymore. And that's only a sample of the "simple" "everyday" things we deal with here that make it "hard". That doesn't include everything we gave up and are missing out on at home - weddings and births and family and engagements - or the long long loooooooong hours wishing someone from home would send us a package or a card or an email just to let us know they're thinking about us. And the even longer hours spent alone, in silence, with nothing to keep us company but our thoughts (making the before-mentioned even more exasperating).

We don't usually allow ourselves to think about how challenging Peace Corps service can be. This is mostly because it can be too consuming and then you may miss out on all the great things about living here and all the positive outcomes, mostly within ourselves, that could never be replaced. You get used to it, you move forward, and you make the most of your time here.

We all agreed that it is a weird feeling to be nearing the end of our service. It is exciting and rewarding and feels like a major accomplishment, especially when we allow ourselves a minute to think about how hard it is. If you haven't been through it - actually lived in a village and had a long-term experience like this - you can't truly understand, which is why it helps to have the camaraderie of your group-mates, your peers, and the Peace Corps community. This is an experience unlike any other. It is rewarding and you grow as an individual in very meaningful ways. But it will also challenge you to your core and on so many levels. It was a relief to have someone finally say it aloud so we could acknowledge it and be proud of ourselves.

"Next Steps" for Extension?!

In the spirit of keeping everyone informed via the blog-o-sphere, I figured I would share the latest piece of news I have regarding extension. Unfortunately, it isn't a big announcement so don't get too excited but it is all I have for now. What I have learned, as a result of the famous "Peace Corps Grapevine", is that our Country Director and our Director of Programs and Training (who we submitted our extension applications to) should be contacting all applicants by Friday to discuss "next steps" regarding extension.

There is no word yet what "next steps" actually means but, we assume, it implies that staff have read our applications and, subsequently, are informing us if we have been accepted by Peace Corps' country staff for extension and will be moving on to the interview phase (where we meet with staff and organizations to discuss project placement) or if if we have been denied extension. Of course, this may not be exactly what "next steps" means, as none of us are clear on the process, but this is what "the grapevine" is saying.

Ultimately, this blog post is merely stating that I will know something about my extension application by Friday... maybe... since this is all third-hand information... but something is better than nothing, right? sigh.

COS: The First Acknowledgment

We just now, while I was reveling in all the glory of Peace Corps service and gushing to my mom about my center's latest accomplishments, received our Close of Service (COS) Conference schedule. This was the first acknowledgement by Peace Corps that our two years are coming to a close. Officially. It isn't just us volunteers talking about it anymore. It's really happening. Of course, that date was always going to come - we have known it was May 28, 2013 since we were sworn in and we knew the conference would be in February to mark our "lockdown" period three months prior. This hasn't changed. But, in looking at the schedule and reading the discussion topics ("representing your experience", "saying goodbye and bringing effective closure to your last months in-country", and even "group picture") made me tear up. They tried to soften the blow by calling it "Close/Continuation of Service" for those of us hoping to extend but it didn't stop my water works. No-sir-ee. This sap is having a hard time wrapping her brain around it. Even the thought of trying to give this experience an abridged version is daunting and then trying to say goodbye to everyone here seems impossible. Here the tears come again...

Now, my reaction doesn't necessarily reflect my fellow volunteers' sentiments, although I'm certain we all have a tie to Botswana, and to each other, that will make this a tough transition even if the others don't cry like me. And my tears don't mean that I won't be thrilled to come home and see my family and friends (and have a triple grande sugar-free vanilla soy latte and a big plate of Thai food). But this experience has had a very deep and profound impact on me and the eye leakage was involuntary when thinking about it all coming to an end. (And please note: I'm writing this right now and both the power and water are out in my village. That's what should be making me cry, not this. Right?!)

Somehow this all seems sudden, despite knowing the COS date all along. So I am sharing this, in part, to document the day when Bots 10 received its very first COS Conference email and, in part, because it was an emotional reaction that I hadn't expected.

Holy Mackerel!

I know I stated in my passed blog post that it was a little over five months until my group closes its service and heads onto the next adventure. Well, folks, I was somewhat mistaken in my calculations. It turns out there are only 139 days left before we hit the pavement (whoa, pavement?!). That means it's actually closer to four and a half months! I over-estimated by nearly a month! How quickly the time goes... But why am I mentioning this? Could it just be a clerical error that I wanted to fix? No way. I've made a number of those throughout my postings, I'm sure (whoops, sorry), and I haven't made a post about it (I just fixed it in the original post and moved on). Could it be because I can't wait to get out of here? Heck no! If you couldn't tell, I love it here. So much so that over the weekend I officially sent in my application to extend my service for another year. So then why!? you might ask. Fear not, I will tell you! It's because I JUST NOW, while having a casual IM conversation with my mother, had to have my very first "plan around this when you make arrangements to come home" discussion. Yes, folks, I am coming home so soon that I am actually having to consider things and plan around them for when I get there! (WHAT?! Are you kidding me?! I can hardly believe it!) Although I don't have the exact date yet for when I will be in the great state of Washington (check back in with me near the end of February), it's close enough that we can start murmuring about that day. And, more importantly, start planning the epic party that will be had! I mean, after all, it will be a "30th birthday" slash "welcome back" slash "we've missed you" slash "good luck in your third year" (hopefully) party! That sort of thing has to go down in history I think! So watch out family, friends, and followers... I'm coming for you! And SOON! :)