Sunday, March 27, 2011

"I have not ceased being fearful, but I have ceased to let fear control me."

Last night I had my first mini freak out.

I was having a hard time falling asleep (this is very unusual for me, generally I look at a pillow and pass out) so I went to grab an excruciatingly boring book from my dresser in the hopes that it would calm my mind. All of the sudden it dawned on me that I am leaving in four days and I will be gone for 27 months and this might be the last time I do this. The magnitude of that sort of hit me and my heart started to race and my mind went crazy thinking of all the things around my room that I won't be seeing for a long long time and the things I would be missing out on.... Eeeeeeek! And then I took a deep breath and came back to reality. The mini freak out lasted about three and a half minutes.

The truth is, I am not scared to go and I don't have any fear or doubt about it. In fact, I haven't been this excited or felt this ready for anything in a long time. I have been through a lot in the past few years and all of those things led me to this. I have gotten stronger and learned that life is precious and I need to go out and live it while it's here. I honestly feel like my life is exactly where it should be and I'm ready to seize it. Yes, there are scary and intimidating things about leaving the comfort of my current life and moving to Africa but I feel like "the juice is worth the squeeze." This IS really happening! The tummy twinge is normal because it's a big change. I believe whole-heartedly that it is worth it! (And no amount of butterflies could change my mind!)

Now onto my second mini freak out..... reorganize my luggage (per the most recent Peace Corps email) and fill out the rest of my paperwork!


  1. you can do it girl! i'm pretty sure i had that exact same mini freak out several times before leaving. I've been here 6 weeks and still have mini freak outs :D i'm talking to christina in Ecuador right now and we're on the same wavelength about this whole experience and how it's going to try us, so feel free to get in touch if you ever need to vent or feel validated in feeling intimidated by this whole mess! YOU WILL ROCK IT!!!!

  2. Yeah, I'm with Elizabeth, that freak out is totally normal. Hell, I had that when I moved to Seattle from DC, and you know me, I _hated_ DC! You're right, you're totally where you need to be, and you're going to rock this thing, but it's OK to feel scared every once-in-a-while. Have fun, and enjoy your last couple of days State-side!

  3. I am learning how to make some badass friendship bracelets... it's a benefit of my work environment LOL! I don't know if we'll have any ready by Thursday Morning buuuuuuut.... I can try!!!

  4. Well, you did it, you packed, you conquered the pound restrictions with only minor stress and you’re off. You did it….I did it, I survived this morning. Not particularly well I have to say, but I did survive. Now that being said, all the rest will be incredible Tija. There will be trials and tribulations along the way, that we can expect, but with your heart and goals in mind, you will get through it. You will struggle, and maybe even stumble, but you will conquer this, like you did packing!!!! I love you Tija, and support you in everything you’re doing.