Constant Rededication

I have to confess that there were a few hours last night when the thought of going home seemed like a pretty good idea. These moments are few and far between for me but, when they happen, they are usually brought on by hard news from home, learning that another fellow PCV is going home, or a close examination of all the difficulties here. Even my perpetual optimism and idealistic outlook about life cannot always keep the hard times at bay. Last night's episode was brought on by all of these scenarios.

Every day here is different. Some days feel like they are dragging on for years and others seem to fly by. One day can feel absolutely hopeless and then be followed up by a day when everything is in your favor. And one moment you're playing happily with the village kids and the next you're hiding under a table because you just want one moment of silence. It can feel like being a yo-yo. 

The unfamiliarity of being so far from home and cut off from people and things and outlets is hard. And then not being able to get away at a moment's notice because you have to wait an hour for a bus that may or may not stop or calculate the time it takes to get from one point to another and back home before dark makes things even harder. And then there's the deep unspoken but always looming questions about what would you do if something happens to a loved one at home or if what you are doing will make any impact at all or why you are going through all of this? It's a challenge sometimes. Your head can get clouded and your heart can pull you in a thousand different directions. It makes you question things.

I wanted to share this with you because it is not all wonderful and jealous-worthy (although some of it truly is!). I have my doubts about the process, Peace Corps, my role, all of it. I am not always sure what the right thing to do is and it's hard to know if it is better to stay here or to go home. But this thought process is part of being a Peace Corps Volunteer and we all go through it. It requires constant rededication to ourselves and to our work. And, in the end, I have a very profound belief that there is potential for good and that I can make something positive come of my service. (Maybe I already have?) "To save one life is to have saved the world." So, at least for now, I'm staying put and staying (re)dedicated.